Friday Musings about Toxic Relationships
While I think both men and women find themselves in dysfunctional or toxic relationships, I think that we approach it differently.
Of course I am making these observations based on a small sampling of men - but Piaget created a whole theory of child development just observing his own three children grow in Paris and that theory stands strong today. My observations are made based upon looking at my sons (I have two), husbands (have or had 3) brothers (have or had 8) and some friends (can't count those but the long lasting male friend is 1meaning more than 15 years). And a small sampling of women, sisters(9), mother (1), mothers-in-law (3 -- better not use them I am biased scewed bad) friend (1 more than 20 years lots more 5 years or less)and, of course, at the center of my observation, me. Throw in a bunch of employers and employees and partners in business along the way. Oh, I forgot lovers -- at my age I better not forget them because what the heck who knows if I will ever have them again.
One thing that I have noticed in common with both men and women is the unwillingness to let go of a painful relationship until it becomes so painful that one cannot stand the pain any longer or in the case of when I worked with victims of domestic violence till there is a clear and present danger that can be life threatening.
I grew up with the value system that one did not leave a relationship (marriage in particular) period. In fact, I was totally shocked at 19 when I married my first husband to find out his grandmother in the 1920's left her husband and became a single parent of three children and raised them by herself and never married again. Until that point the idea of divorce was not even a part of my reality except for a few "bad" men and women.
Women who had children had very limited options in taking care of themselves and their off spring if they divorced and left their husbands. In our society in the US until about the turn of the century ( could go look up date but too early in the morning) if a woman left her children, the custody automatically went to the father -- that is a big shift which seemed to start about the early 1900's correlating with the suffrage movement but may have roots going back to the Civil War when the agony and horror of war created a nation saturated by alcoholics suffering ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) Add WWI, WWII, Korean Conflict, Vietnam (with the introduction of other drugs in the 60s) and the increase of men (and women) with PTSD increased. Our whole culture through wars and the depression developed a case of deep fear. Men and women both became victims of a speeded up culture in which threat was more apparent. As a nation we had more toxic relationships with other countries -- before WWI -- we were primarily a closed nationalist state with limited involvement with other countries and did our agrarian thing but slowly moved into an industrialization of our country. Women and children worked in slave conditions for pennies a day. Men worked in mines and factories in quiet but angry desperation. The move from the country to the city and from being isolationist to being a world power changed the dynamics of our society and the roles of men and women.
When wars come along women are called to do the tasks of men so the men can go off and get killed. As we can all see this has changed significantly with the last two wars as even one of my dear friends Kimberly is now off to teach men and women to kill for the next month while her attorney husband takes care of their one year old daughter.
I know I appear to be rambling but I am really trying to get to the center of how we have shifted from being simple extended families where there were changes in stimuli, changes in reactions to the environment and reality, and, ultimately, changes in the roles of men and women. The society reflects the people and the people reflect the society. Toxic society indicates toxic people. By using the word toxic I am saying people that have emotional disorders that decrease their ability to have healthy supportive relationships. Toxic people undermine relationships and toxic countries undermine peace.
OK, after creating a semi-basis for my theory of dysfunctional relationships, why do women and men stay in relationships when it is obvious to observers that there is real damage and hurt going on? Because, it is learned behavior. We see others acting out in the same way that we do. We learned it from our parents. We are in fear.
Women fear hurting other people more often than desiring to hurt other people - (the same may be true for men but the actions that I have seen in domestic violence is about 90 percent of abusers of spouses are men and 10 percent are women. When it comes to being abusers of elderly parents and children, however, it is about equal when it comes to physical abuse. Sexual abuse seems to follow the 90/10 ratio). Men fear being hurt or respond to being hurt by striking out and hitting or yelling etc. Women will often respond to fear or being hurt by freezing and inability to take action to protect selves. I am very curious is this dynamic will change as we have more and more role models of women as soldiers in the military, the police departments, and so forth.
I don't believe that there is one person on this list who has not or is going through a relationship that causes psychic and emotional pain. In fact, as humans I think this is our greatest link in our reality. I truly believe that the way that we as women can empower each other is too witness each others stories of pain and to explore ways to obtain healing and thus become maybe wounded healers but also to be come spiritual warriors in helping others either by example or direct services to heal hurts and become strong and healthy again.
Sadly some scars will never heal. However, they can become less noticeable scars if we quit picking the scabs off our wounds and bleeding again. Sometimes, we choose to die the the death of a thousand small cuts as we tear open old wounds and go over and over them again. Sometimes, we don't heal because we, yes we, sabotage ourselves by changing people for the same people in other skins.
As we learn to heal, we become more and more aware of when we are setting ourselves up and can act more quickly to minimize damage. And, we can learn to be more aware when others are setting us up to be victims and can act more quickly to minimize the damage and get the heck out of Dodge.
Girl friends are so valuable because they can help us see more clearly as long as they are on the path to healing also. However, girl friends (any friend) can also slow down the process by wanting us and them to stay stuck in the pain game by just constantly re-opening wounds. When we seek out a support group we have to be very careful that it has not been created to keep us in a wounded state but has a clear and direct goal of helping us heal. I remember Marie telling me the other day that she left a support group for victims of domestic violence because the members of the group and the therapist wanted to stay in the pain game and not enter into a journey to healing.
When Janet helps the homeless she does not sit under a bridge and commiserate with them about how horrible life is and that it is cold in ND... she looks for ways to find them shelter, food and clothes. When we help each other we need to look for positive steps to take to facilitate each others healing. This doesn't mean that we can't share hugs, tears, and stories, but it does mean that each one of us has to have an overall goal of healing and empowerment. We help each other to develop the skills and tools that will bring strength to other women and when we do that we will help both men and women of the future because the majority of children today are raised by women like you and me and we are shaping how our culture will evolve and reflect the individuals.
As you heal, you will be able to heal those in your life in a significant way. Sometimes, the best way you will be able to help them is by saying NO! The abuse, the pain, the toxicity stops here. It might be kind of hard to do at first. When you start saying no to dysfunctional behaviors the world and the people in your relationships will fight back. That is why your focus must move from the expectations of others in your relationships to putting the focus on you. I am telling you now from experience they will fight your changes. My sons did, my mother did, my husbands did, many of my friends did. However, as I held my ground even when the pain became intensified I found answers and I slowly became clearer and clearer about what it means not to lead a life of pain.
I still make mistakes. I still get pulled into pain games. However, I have become faster at cutting the cords that keep me connected to these relationships. I have found that when I get angry it is a good sign that something is going on - either I have set myself up or someone else has set me up or I am in the process of setting up a dynamic that is unhealthy for me. I have also learned to trust my intuition and the intuition of my husband who can tell me within 60 seconds whether someone is going to be a problem or a help in my growth and development into a more consistently happy person.
Ask you this question: The last time I got into a toxic relationship did I have a sense that things were not quite right. It might be that the person asked you questions that took you places you didn't want to go. Or the person might just seem to good to be true when this happens it is usually reality that you are be delusional about the other person. However, when you step back and go into a new relationships with awareness you can slowly build healthy ones because you will learn the signs that there is danger ahead.
Remember, sometimes as both Cate and Marie, said you must be willing to get rid of those who would help you either stay stuck in pain or lead you into pain. It takes courage to walk away from people even people you have only known for a few days or weeks. But, as an emerging powerful woman you can learn to do it and you can share your stories of increased awareness on this group. Julia I have to be honest in saying that virutal relationships can carry with them all the pit falls of the relationships that we meet in our daily reality which you expressed so beautifully in your poetry.
Finally, I would like to say you will reach a point where it will be safer for you to take chances on new relationships because you will have become more powerful. You will heal more and more each day until you realize that only a powerful person can choose to be vulnerable because you tested the waters before you jumped in out of fear or desire.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Please share your thoughts and observations about how you have seen you or others set themselves up and how you have seen you or others discover new ways to learn to be more careful in creating relationships that are healthy and empowering.
Last night on im Marie said to me, I would rather be without a man than be with a man who creates pain and hurt in my life. I add to this I would rather be a recluse and have one or two or three good friends/relationships than have a houseful of pain creating game players.
Love
Myriam
Of course I am making these observations based on a small sampling of men - but Piaget created a whole theory of child development just observing his own three children grow in Paris and that theory stands strong today. My observations are made based upon looking at my sons (I have two), husbands (have or had 3) brothers (have or had 8) and some friends (can't count those but the long lasting male friend is 1meaning more than 15 years). And a small sampling of women, sisters(9), mother (1), mothers-in-law (3 -- better not use them I am biased scewed bad) friend (1 more than 20 years lots more 5 years or less)and, of course, at the center of my observation, me. Throw in a bunch of employers and employees and partners in business along the way. Oh, I forgot lovers -- at my age I better not forget them because what the heck who knows if I will ever have them again.
One thing that I have noticed in common with both men and women is the unwillingness to let go of a painful relationship until it becomes so painful that one cannot stand the pain any longer or in the case of when I worked with victims of domestic violence till there is a clear and present danger that can be life threatening.
I grew up with the value system that one did not leave a relationship (marriage in particular) period. In fact, I was totally shocked at 19 when I married my first husband to find out his grandmother in the 1920's left her husband and became a single parent of three children and raised them by herself and never married again. Until that point the idea of divorce was not even a part of my reality except for a few "bad" men and women.
Women who had children had very limited options in taking care of themselves and their off spring if they divorced and left their husbands. In our society in the US until about the turn of the century ( could go look up date but too early in the morning) if a woman left her children, the custody automatically went to the father -- that is a big shift which seemed to start about the early 1900's correlating with the suffrage movement but may have roots going back to the Civil War when the agony and horror of war created a nation saturated by alcoholics suffering ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) Add WWI, WWII, Korean Conflict, Vietnam (with the introduction of other drugs in the 60s) and the increase of men (and women) with PTSD increased. Our whole culture through wars and the depression developed a case of deep fear. Men and women both became victims of a speeded up culture in which threat was more apparent. As a nation we had more toxic relationships with other countries -- before WWI -- we were primarily a closed nationalist state with limited involvement with other countries and did our agrarian thing but slowly moved into an industrialization of our country. Women and children worked in slave conditions for pennies a day. Men worked in mines and factories in quiet but angry desperation. The move from the country to the city and from being isolationist to being a world power changed the dynamics of our society and the roles of men and women.
When wars come along women are called to do the tasks of men so the men can go off and get killed. As we can all see this has changed significantly with the last two wars as even one of my dear friends Kimberly is now off to teach men and women to kill for the next month while her attorney husband takes care of their one year old daughter.
I know I appear to be rambling but I am really trying to get to the center of how we have shifted from being simple extended families where there were changes in stimuli, changes in reactions to the environment and reality, and, ultimately, changes in the roles of men and women. The society reflects the people and the people reflect the society. Toxic society indicates toxic people. By using the word toxic I am saying people that have emotional disorders that decrease their ability to have healthy supportive relationships. Toxic people undermine relationships and toxic countries undermine peace.
OK, after creating a semi-basis for my theory of dysfunctional relationships, why do women and men stay in relationships when it is obvious to observers that there is real damage and hurt going on? Because, it is learned behavior. We see others acting out in the same way that we do. We learned it from our parents. We are in fear.
Women fear hurting other people more often than desiring to hurt other people - (the same may be true for men but the actions that I have seen in domestic violence is about 90 percent of abusers of spouses are men and 10 percent are women. When it comes to being abusers of elderly parents and children, however, it is about equal when it comes to physical abuse. Sexual abuse seems to follow the 90/10 ratio). Men fear being hurt or respond to being hurt by striking out and hitting or yelling etc. Women will often respond to fear or being hurt by freezing and inability to take action to protect selves. I am very curious is this dynamic will change as we have more and more role models of women as soldiers in the military, the police departments, and so forth.
I don't believe that there is one person on this list who has not or is going through a relationship that causes psychic and emotional pain. In fact, as humans I think this is our greatest link in our reality. I truly believe that the way that we as women can empower each other is too witness each others stories of pain and to explore ways to obtain healing and thus become maybe wounded healers but also to be come spiritual warriors in helping others either by example or direct services to heal hurts and become strong and healthy again.
Sadly some scars will never heal. However, they can become less noticeable scars if we quit picking the scabs off our wounds and bleeding again. Sometimes, we choose to die the the death of a thousand small cuts as we tear open old wounds and go over and over them again. Sometimes, we don't heal because we, yes we, sabotage ourselves by changing people for the same people in other skins.
As we learn to heal, we become more and more aware of when we are setting ourselves up and can act more quickly to minimize damage. And, we can learn to be more aware when others are setting us up to be victims and can act more quickly to minimize the damage and get the heck out of Dodge.
Girl friends are so valuable because they can help us see more clearly as long as they are on the path to healing also. However, girl friends (any friend) can also slow down the process by wanting us and them to stay stuck in the pain game by just constantly re-opening wounds. When we seek out a support group we have to be very careful that it has not been created to keep us in a wounded state but has a clear and direct goal of helping us heal. I remember Marie telling me the other day that she left a support group for victims of domestic violence because the members of the group and the therapist wanted to stay in the pain game and not enter into a journey to healing.
When Janet helps the homeless she does not sit under a bridge and commiserate with them about how horrible life is and that it is cold in ND... she looks for ways to find them shelter, food and clothes. When we help each other we need to look for positive steps to take to facilitate each others healing. This doesn't mean that we can't share hugs, tears, and stories, but it does mean that each one of us has to have an overall goal of healing and empowerment. We help each other to develop the skills and tools that will bring strength to other women and when we do that we will help both men and women of the future because the majority of children today are raised by women like you and me and we are shaping how our culture will evolve and reflect the individuals.
As you heal, you will be able to heal those in your life in a significant way. Sometimes, the best way you will be able to help them is by saying NO! The abuse, the pain, the toxicity stops here. It might be kind of hard to do at first. When you start saying no to dysfunctional behaviors the world and the people in your relationships will fight back. That is why your focus must move from the expectations of others in your relationships to putting the focus on you. I am telling you now from experience they will fight your changes. My sons did, my mother did, my husbands did, many of my friends did. However, as I held my ground even when the pain became intensified I found answers and I slowly became clearer and clearer about what it means not to lead a life of pain.
I still make mistakes. I still get pulled into pain games. However, I have become faster at cutting the cords that keep me connected to these relationships. I have found that when I get angry it is a good sign that something is going on - either I have set myself up or someone else has set me up or I am in the process of setting up a dynamic that is unhealthy for me. I have also learned to trust my intuition and the intuition of my husband who can tell me within 60 seconds whether someone is going to be a problem or a help in my growth and development into a more consistently happy person.
Ask you this question: The last time I got into a toxic relationship did I have a sense that things were not quite right. It might be that the person asked you questions that took you places you didn't want to go. Or the person might just seem to good to be true when this happens it is usually reality that you are be delusional about the other person. However, when you step back and go into a new relationships with awareness you can slowly build healthy ones because you will learn the signs that there is danger ahead.
Remember, sometimes as both Cate and Marie, said you must be willing to get rid of those who would help you either stay stuck in pain or lead you into pain. It takes courage to walk away from people even people you have only known for a few days or weeks. But, as an emerging powerful woman you can learn to do it and you can share your stories of increased awareness on this group. Julia I have to be honest in saying that virutal relationships can carry with them all the pit falls of the relationships that we meet in our daily reality which you expressed so beautifully in your poetry.
Finally, I would like to say you will reach a point where it will be safer for you to take chances on new relationships because you will have become more powerful. You will heal more and more each day until you realize that only a powerful person can choose to be vulnerable because you tested the waters before you jumped in out of fear or desire.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Please share your thoughts and observations about how you have seen you or others set themselves up and how you have seen you or others discover new ways to learn to be more careful in creating relationships that are healthy and empowering.
Last night on im Marie said to me, I would rather be without a man than be with a man who creates pain and hurt in my life. I add to this I would rather be a recluse and have one or two or three good friends/relationships than have a houseful of pain creating game players.
Love
Myriam
posted by Myriam Maytorena | 9:52 AM
4 Comments:
Oh, it's definitely learned behavior all right. I have a friend who couldn't come in to work today. She had a fight with her husband and had to call out. Such a shame. But she has continued this path for years. She complains about him yet does nothing to get out of the situation. This is all she's used to and trying to change that is like trying to pull teeth. Some people it seems are hopeless.
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