Wednesday: Musings on being Amused

It is raining a gentle rain outside. I am settled in my office and realizing that sometimes we do not have to hurry. Sometimes even I can be still and not feel guilty because I am not working. I really have worked for years about not doing the guilt trip on me and I was, I thought, pretty good at releasing all that crap from the past. But, in the last few days, I realized that the reason that I had been stressing out so bad was because I am a workaholic. If I am just relaxing and doing nothing something in the back of my head kicks in and says something to the effect that something is wrong.

Well! Wake up and smell the coffee Mz. Myri.

I love spiritual epiphany. I do not like personal epiphany where I have to look at myself and say: Myriam - we have a problem here. You know it doesn't make me anymore productive to kick myself when I am supposed to be relaxing. In fact it makes me less productive. I get irritable and edgy and I want people to just leave me alone. I finally recognized that I have to make some changes when I got up this morning late and did not want to work. Something in me is saying the changes that are coming are the changes in you.

Changes!

My sister Glenna said something interesting last night. I was doing that complain game and she was doing the same. It is good to have a person who will listen to you vent and then come back with the most amazing comments. That is Glenna. She said: You do not do anything you don't want to do. I laughed and said you are right. So something in me wanted me to do that guilt thing about work. Well I can tell you I don't like doing that so I am going to explore why I do that. I know that what ever is blocking me is inside me.

Dancing!

When I was a child I liked to dance and sing and just play. Then one day I noticed that when I did certain things people would applaud or laugh or give me really positive feedback. I went from dancing for fun to dancing for rewards. I gave up the love of doing for the love of applause. When I work I want to be the best. I want people to give me applause and recognition. I had started thinking of work as only a tool for getting the appreciation that I had learn to crave back when I was a child.

When I write I always write from my heart. It doesn't matter to me if people like it or not. I like when they do like it but that is not the pay off. That is not the reward. For me writing is a joy that I had when I was a child and would dance and sing.

Today!

Today I promise me that I am giving up the doing for appreciation and going back to doing for the fun of it. From the day forward I give up guilt when I don't work as hard or as well as others want. I am just going to do, quoting Glenna again, the best that I can. And, if it isn't fun, I am going to go do something that is.