Thursday: Fearless

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

Jim Morrison

When I was 28 I made a major discovery. I could become frozen by stage fright. The very idea of being in front of people performing or talking or just being terrified me. It was then that I vowed to me that every time I felt that sense of numbing paralysis that is fear fill my heart, that I would face it and eradicate it from my very being.

As I looked at my fear of being before people on a stage, I realized something extremely interesting. The rush of adrenalin of fear and excitement created the physiological response. Fear was a label that I put on an emotional experience in a negative way. I then began to work on re-framing my labeling of my senses into one of excitement rather than fear. Over time, I became quite adept at speaking in front of crowds. In fact, I over came it to the point that I eventually became spokesperson for a public television station and became an on-air fund raiser. I also had a talk show five days a week where I would interview people. I conquered my fear of public performance and thus was free to move on with other things in my life.

Other fears rose up to meet me upon my path of self-development. I was totally terrified of birds or anything with feathers. The movie The Birds was the ultimate terror film. In this case I used desensitization to eliminate this fear. I began to have birds as pets. I started with little budgies and in about twenty years I finally graduated to having a cockatiel. I grew to the point that I could sit on Jackson Square in New Orleans and feed the pigeons. Now, I have to admit that chickens still stir some discomfort and I don’t want to hold one or pet it, but I figure how many chickens are going to cross my path.

The biggest fear that I had, perhaps, was of God. I grew up in a Bible-thumping fundamentalist home where death and fear and destruction by fire and brimstone were regular Sunday fare. My first coping with this was to just say God did not exist. If it did not exist, it could not harm me. I learned through time that denial did not conquer my fear because my real fear was that God did exist but in a negative way. It was irrational to me. I finally said in desperation one rainy, cold evening, God if you exist and are good, give me a sign. At that moment I looked and outside the back door through the window I could see a finch. I called my husband. He went outside. Held out his finger and the finch jumped upon it to safety from the storm. He brought the poor creature in the house and we put in a box until we could get a cage the next day. I also called a friend and said what can this mean? She looked up the meaning of bird as a symbol, and the answer was: The spirit of God descending!

After many years of fear, I was still rather skeptical and wanted further proof. I asked again. Again another finch appeared outside the window and Mark brought it in to join the other one in the cage.

The irony of God using a bird symbol of my fear as an answer to say “Fear Not!” did not escape me.

I would like to say that I am totally free of fear but that would be a lie. However, I am gentle with me as I continue on my path to look at my fears and give me the time and exploration that I need to face these fears with an open heart and open mind.

Today, do not fear the dark because that is where the light will shine brightest.