Thursday: Just Stuff that Makes Life

None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone. Emerson



Our lives are not always made of big things but little things that we share along our path with others. Friendships don’t just automatically happen but are defined by moments that we remember.

I have had times when I have met a few people and they were immediately my new best friend. But the ones who continue through life with me whether in person or in my heart are the ones who have shared so many events in my life or have shared life-changing events only to disappear.

Some of the memories bring a smile to my heart. Others bring a tear or two. But joy and sorrow are the ties that bind us together as family, friends and community. I believe it is a hard-wired need in the healthy human being to need others and to be needed. The way this is shown is the shared experiences whether by actually going through the experience together or the telling of our stories.

All that I have become and all that I will become are integral to the experiences in my life. Some of them I have because of them and some in spite of them. I think the latter maybe the most powerful life changing events that I have known.

There is something about acknowledging that one has over come adversity and came out a little scarred but still surviving and having a will to carry on even when times are tough.

The scars on our bodies and on our hearts and souls are badges of courage. We may hold some resentment about having to earn those badges but if we take the time we can instead sing our praises for being able to go on when someone else might have given up.

The scars that are on our bodies are not so easy to hide. Sometimes, as in my case, a good plastic surgeon can repair the damage so that others do not notice but when we look in the mirror the image of the damage is still etched in our memories and we see not who we are just as who we are but who we are after having a traumatic injury.

The scars in our hearts and souls we can often hide from others but they are never hidden from self. We may desensitize to the pain of emotional and spiritual trauma and even eventually heal, but we are scarred regardless of what we want to deny or avoid.

These psychological and psychic scars are the so called buttons that other people can push and make us re-feel the fears, anger, separation anxiety and other emotional responses. Sometimes they are so hidden deep inside that we do not remember them consciously. But until we come to deal with them and bring them to light in our minds they can continue to leave us wounded. These psychological and psychic wounds can direct us to act in ways that are not to our higher good..

When we react to another person in a way that seems inappropriate or not equal to the energy that was presented to us, then we know that old wounds have been awakened. When others respond to what we have said or done in a way that seems inappropriate or not equal to the energy that we presented then we know that old wounds have been awakened.

I can tell you right now if you ask the person who got angry or attacked you concerning something that seems innocuous or innocent or of not much importance, it is not going to do any good to tell them this unless you and that person have a long history of helping each other grow and heal. You might as well tell a feral cat to turn over and let you scratch its belly because you are going to get wounded even more. The only thing that you can do is try to analyze exactly what button you pushed and do your best to avoid it in the future. If this happens more than a couple of times, you need to remove that person from your reality if at all possible. It may be almost impossible to do this if you work with someone and he or she is the one who is constantly either pushing your buttons (sometimes even deliberately) or you are the one that is the button pusher. If this is consistent, you could almost bet that you are in a work place where there is definitely not a goodness of fit and it is time to start sending out resumes. If it is a personal relationship with a significant other or a family member, you need to toughen up and remove that person from your life.

Now sometimes, if we are lucky, a new friend may have the same agenda that you do to heal your wounds and continue to grow and when that happens sing praises for the blessing of that friendship you have been given. The friends that continue through our lives if we are on a true spiritual path and not doing a religious mouth service are the ones that will be loving enough to hear when we feel hurt and help us work through when something has hurt us or be tolerant enough to wait until we are able to face our inner pain. You know you have a true friend when you say I cannot discuss this now but I was hurt by what you said or did but can we come back later to discuss it and when you are ready, they are still willing to be your helper in your healing. You know you are a true friend when someone says you have hurt them but they can’t talk about it now but leave the door open to come back and heal a little more of the wounds in your hearts.

There are lots of stuff in life that can wound us. There are lots of stuff in life that can give us joy. And while the goal is to heal the old wounds so that the joy has a happier internal environment one is going to continue to grow and prosper in love and friendship.

Sometimes things are so hidden that we might not be able to get there and resolve the issues and forgive the past hurts. When that happens, there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to avoid pain if at all possible. To avoid hurting oneself when it serves no purpose is not denial it is wisdom. There is an old joke about a patient going to see his doctor and old and wise person and saying: When I push here pointing to a spot on his leg, it hurts. What is your advice Doc? The wise old doctor said: My advice is to quit pushing that spot.

Quit pushing the spots that hurt in you and in other people. Look for the places to caress with words and actions that bring joy and pleasure.

I want to thank my friend Patrick Gordon for inspiring today's muse.